Couch Time: What it is and How to Get Started
“Couch time” is a phrase heard frequently in the Growing Families community. But what exactly is it?
And how do you get started practicing it?
Like anything else, it’s important to understand the ‘why’ behind the practice of “Couch Time” and to recognize that it is a parenting tool delivering a Biblical model. The idea of couch time is Mom & Dad having a set time each day where they can catch up and enjoy each other’s company for 10-15 minutes when Dad, Mom, or both return home from work. This concept came as the result of counseling a couple who were having issues with their 2 ½-year- old daughter staying in bed and sleeping through the night. They knew she was capable of continuous nighttime sleep as she had been doing that for over two years, but this new behavior of getting up in the night had them baffled. After asking questions about their daily routine and what happened when Dad came home, it became evident that the majority of this couple’s time, both as individuals and as a couple, included their daughter. Oh, Mom & Dad usually had their time, but it was after their little one was in bed and it was dependent on how tired they were. In other words, their time together might not even happen.
Being firm believers in the importance of nurturing the husband/wife relationship in tangible ways, (like date nights, love notes periodically, and speaking each other’s love languages) we suggested a simple tool to try. Gary explained that based on what they were sharing about their daughter, she was insecure. Not afraid, but insecure - she lacked a visual demonstration of Mom & Dad’s commitment to one another. Yes, she was only 2 ½, but there is an innate desire in children to have confidence that the two most important people in their life love each other. (This was many years ago and since that time, neuroscience has shown that children who grow up in a home with a secure husband/wife relationship are more secure in who they are as a person and can develop as they should in an age-appropriate manner.*)
This couple’s assignment was that when Dad came home from work, he was to acknowledge his daughter, give her a hug and then say, “This is now Couch Time for Mommy & Daddy. You can play with your toys, but this is time for me to spend with Mommy.” They were to do this every night for 10-15 minutes. The husband was skeptical, but the wife was delighted! The husband followed the instructions. Three days later, Gary received a phone call from him and it started out, “You won’t believe this!! My daughter is sleeping through the night!” Success!
How should you begin implementing couch time into your daily routine?
Treat ‘couch time’ as a non-negotiable appointment
Schedule a time that you can keep consistently. Aim for having couch time at least 5 days a week, but if you are just starting, try to be consistent with 1 or 2 days a week
No cell phones…this is a time to focus on one another
Have a few special toys set aside for your children to play with during couch time only.
If you have preschoolers, start with 3-5 minutes. When they are not interrupting you, and will play nicely during this time, increase couch time to 10-15 minutes.
If Dad (or Mom) travels, he/she can call home when the children are still awake. Whichever parent is away can speak to each child on the phone and then ask for the other parent, sharing with the children that this is now Mommy & Daddy’s ‘couch time’.
Remember, ‘couch time’ is a tool for demonstrating the importance of your marriage and keeping your husband/wife relationship a priority. You can have your couch time on chairs, outside on the patio, or in the kitchen. The key to success is your children routinely seeing the two of you sitting, talking, and enjoying each other.
*Dr. John Medina is a developmental molecular biologist specializing in the genes involved in human brain development. He is the author of Brain Rules and Brain Rules for Baby (Pear Press 2010).
Anne Marie Ezzo serves with her husband in ministering to families around the world through Growing Families International. For the past 30+ years her passion has been, and continues to be, to encourage wives and moms to practically understand what it means to “love your husband and children”.