What Does Self-Control Training Look Like at the Grocery Store?
So we’ve all been there. Our littles are doing great at self-control and following directions….at home. Then we take them to run a few errands and it’s as if we haven’t taught them a thing. Like a magnet is drawing them, they touch everything that attracts them, need to be reminded again and again of the rules, wander away, or just can’t seem to listen to what Mom is saying. The joy in the sin compels them to try to get by, gambling Mom won’t notice or follow-through this time. How can we train our littles and keep the standard in all settings?
Be consistent in training at home.
First and foremost you must teach your children the standard at home. Teach first-time obedience and self-control and insist on compliance. Be consistent in bringing consequences for infractions. We used isolation, loss of privilege, and the many other tools we learned in GKGW to bring correction. We often had our children sit in a chair with their hands folded to gain self-control. We were resolved and did our best to faithfully correct them to avoid confusion in our kids and a disregard for our authority. We said what we meant and we meant what we said. Because we did this at home, our children took us seriously when we gave instructions in other settings.
Teach your children what is expected.
Before we left the house or while we were on the way in the car, we would dialogue about what behavior was expected at the store or wherever we were going. We would talk about what they should do in the parking lot, walking through the store, waiting in line, etc. We would talk about the volume of their voices and what they could or could not do with their hands. I would instruct them that obedience and self-control were required. And I told them why it was important to obey. This set them up for success and gave them the best opportunity to obey. As they grew older and knew what was expected, I would have them tell me or their younger siblings what the rules were and the whys. This practice was repeated over and over for various places i.e. the grocery store, the library, a friend’s house, the mall, and other types of stores.
Transfer skills taught at home to the new setting.
At home, we would have our littles fold their hands to gain self-control. We transferred this practice to the grocery store by having them do this while they sat in the cart. If they were walking next to me, I would have them fold their hands or put them in their pockets. They were required to ask permission to touch anything in a store, and if they did not, then they had to fold their hands for the rest of the time we were there. Sometimes I would have them clasp their hands behind their backs to help them with the temptation to still touch things with their folded hands.
Be prepared to leave and go home.
This one thing, especially in the initial phases of training very young children, is probably the most important aspect of gaining consistency in behavior between home and away. When children realize the response is the same regardless of location, it curbs their desire to test the boundaries when you go out. In our experience, leaving was only necessary once. Since this can be super inconvenient for a busy mom, we recommend going to the store when you don’t really need to for the express purpose of training your child. If things go awry, it’s not such a big deal to pick up and leave. The child doesn’t know the difference and it is well worth the effort. Be sure to pick an effective consequence so that the child does not want to repeat the experience. To whatever consequence we gave for the infraction, we also added practice in the skill/rule that was violated. Doing this adds weight to your instruction and the importance of obedience in the mind of the child.
Encouragement for times you cannot follow through.
There are times when it’s just not possible to give a timely consequence. Sometimes in spite of our best efforts to train, things go poorly. As a young mom, I had 4 boys in the space of 5 1/2 years. My husband traveled frequently for work and worked long hours when he was in town. I did not often have the luxury of leaving the boys home while I did the shopping each week. It didn’t always go perfectly. Children test the boundaries. They had melt-downs. I was sometimes frazzled and frustrated. There were times I over-extended my toddler’s capacity for self-control by keeping him out too long when he just needed lunch and a nap. Take courage. Look at the big picture. What is the overall characterization of your training? For me, training my kids was a priority. For days when I wasn’t able to follow-through, there was grace and forgiveness for me and my children. I would re-evaluate and redouble my efforts and begin again. With patience and perseverance, doing the things I have related here, I was able to train my children to be obedient away from home. It was more blessing than bane to have them along for errands and busy days could still be peaceful.
Training is not always easy. It is time consuming and requires forethought and diligence. Yet it is worth all the effort in the end.
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11
Beth Ann Plumberg and her husband, Chuck, have been married 39 years and have led parenting classes since 1993. They travel full time to keep up with their 4 wonderful sons, 4 lovely daughters-in-love and 6 adorable grandchildren (and 3 more on the way!