Couch Time On The Road
Couch Time on the Road
couch time- noun. -A regular time of day for children to observe their parents while they sit and talk together uninterrupted on the couch. Benefits of this practice include: strengthening of the marriage relationship, honoring the priority of the husband/wife relationship in the home, and bringing security to the children.
For the first 36 of our 38 years together, travel was always part of my husband’s job. Over the years he has spent anywhere from 1-5 nights each week on the road. In the early years I worked nights and there were weeks when we only saw each other 2 out of 7 days of the week. At other times I could arrange my schedule to go with him and we would enjoy miles of conversation and have fun exploring new places after his work for the day was done. When we became parents and I became a stay-at-home mom there were still times we could travel with him but as our family and commitments grew this became more and more rare.
When my two oldest kids were 3 and 1, we took our first Growing Kids parenting class and learned about couch time. We learned that seeing Dad and Mom interact as husband and wife was important to our young children’s sense of security and that when this was lacking, it could show up in their behavior and often in sleep issues. In the year prior, we had had a difficult time in training our oldest to stay in his bed at night. We had managed to do it, but we recognized then that it was probably related to the amount of time we were apart from Daddy in a given week and my son’s lack of opportunity to see us interact. We had a strong marriage but we were not able to consistently demonstrate this in front of our kids. This forced us to find creative ways to connect during Chuck’s many days away from home. We realized since we couldn’t have regular time on the couch, we needed to find other ways to communicate the priority and stability of our relationship to our children.
For us, this meant that Chuck would call me during hours of the day when the kids were up. This was not always easy to work out because Chuck had to work around naps, bedtime, and activities on our part, in addition to the demands of his job, work dinners, and long drives. Remember, this was 30 years ago before cell phones. Phones were all land lines and that meant Chuck had to stop somewhere to call if he wasn’t going to make it to his hotel room before the kids’ bedtime. The planning was worth it to us. I would often start the call on speaker so that the kids could say hello to Dad and hear his voice, then they would be instructed to play quietly nearby while we talked. Long distance calls before 9 pm were expensive back then so sometimes we would talk again later if needed and we kept this call to just a few minutes. It was all we needed though and we saw the difference in our kids.
So what’s your unique situation? What is preventing you from implementing couch time at your house? Think creatively about how you can accomplish the principle behind couch time in another way. With how connected we are through all our devices, making couch time work for your family has never been easier. Here’s some ideas to get you started.
How to prioritize “Couch Time” when you can’t sit on the couch:
• Pick a meal when you are all consistently present and use the first 10 minutes as time for Mommy and Daddy to talk without interruption while the kids eat. This is usually dinner but if your schedules are unique, breakfast and lunch can work just as well.
• Set a regular time of the day to have an appointment on the phone, video chat, or zoom call. Make sure the kids are nearby to observe without interrupting.
• If the time can’t be scheduled in advance, then train your kids to stop what they are doing and to come for the couch time call when it happens.
• Maximize the time when you are together. We made couch time a priority on the weekends when Chuck was home since we couldn’t guarantee that it would always work out during the week.
• At busier times we would utilize time in the car and ask the kids to limit talking for 10 minutes or so, so that Daddy and I could talk.
Other ways to communicate the priority and stability of your relationship to your children.
• Have regular date nights. We were only realistically able to do this 1-2 times per month, but we made the most of it. Often we had a late dinner at home together after the kids were fed and ready for bed. I let the boys help me get things ready and set the dining room table with fancy dishes and candles- even if we were just having pizza!
• Mom gets the first hug and kiss when Dad gets home. This could get humorous at times because my 4 boys almost always beat me to the door when Chuck got home. I often had to stretch over their heads to get my kiss!
• We didn’t often let the kids sit between us at church or watching a movie or other settings. We usually sat in the middle and the kids sat on either side or even in our laps, but they knew that Mom and Dad sat together.
However you do it, communicating your love and respect for one another in front of your children is important.
Chuck still travels, just not for work. He retired 2 years ago, and now I go with him! We live full time on the road in our little travel trailer. Our relationship is as strong as ever because we never let it grow cold over the busy years of raising our children. Our children weren’t the only ones who benefited from regular couch time. It was one way we were able to invest in us as well as our children and it was well worth the effort.
Beth Ann Plumberg is wife to her incredible husband, Chuck, mom to four wonderful, grown sons married to 4 amazing daughters, and grandma to 5, soon to be 6, of the smartest and most adorable grandchildren. The Plumbergs have taught parenting classes since 1993.