Tips for Encouraging First Time Obedience in Toddlers
First Time Obedience
Is my 2-year old capable of coming when he is called? Yes!
Picture this. A family new to the area is invited to gather with a group of friends whom they have recently met. Upon arriving, Mom takes their older boys down to the playroom to help the host get activities ready for the kids. Dad joins the other adults in the living room, keeping 20 month-old Timothy with him. As he chats with the others, Tim spies a basket of inviting toys tucked into a corner across the room. He heads off to investigate. Dad sees and quietly calls, “Timothy!” To the astonishment of the other adults, Tim, over halfway to the toys and mid-step, pivots 180º and cheerfully makes his way back to Dad. He is quietly instructed he needs to wait until it is time to go downstairs to play, which he happily does, settling himself in Daddy’s lap.
I know what you are thinking, “Can this really have happened? Is this for real?” I can attest that this story is true. I am the mom and my husband is the dad. Little Timmy is our son and this happened shortly after we moved to the Chicago area years ago. “Ok, ok,” you say, “so maybe it was a freak, one-time thing?” Nope. This was a common response in our house. Even our very little children were trained to come to the call of their name. We started this training as soon as they were mobile.
Let me encourage you. There is nothing special about us. You can train your young child to this standard. Here’s how.
• Focused Intention - To achieve success in training our little children to First-Time Obedience (FTO) there are a couple of things required of the parent:
1. Focus on FTO as the primary goal of the early years
2. Be resolved to see it through.
In Preparation for Parenting, we were taught the principle “Begin as you mean to go.” We must determine in our own minds what is important and to what standard we want to train our children. Then we must resolve to work on it at every opportunity. It won’t happen automatically. If I am inconsistent in my instruction, I can’t expect my child to be consistent in his response. I must be determined to regularly train my child and follow through every time. Even when he was very little, I never called my child without intending that he come. It was the only option.
• Focused Attention - The greatest roadblock to training our children consistently is distraction. In today’s world parents have never been more distracted. Our homes are filled with technology that constantly vies for our attention - in addition to all the daily tasks that must be done. To train my children well, I need to keep one ear or eye on them at all times, always aware of where they are and what they are doing. In the opening scenario, although my husband was chatting with the other adults, he was always mindful of what Tim was up to. At home, I need to limit distractions so that I can respond quickly and be intentional when I engage my children. I want to be mentally present and actively listening and watching for the right response so that I can train in the moment when the need arises.
• Practice Early and Often - In the early months of crawling, cruising, and walking I took advantage of the fact that my children wanted to be with me. It was easy to make a game of coming to Mommy in various contexts. They were always lavished with hugs and praise to reward them for coming. Keeping it fun made obedience attractive. This was more of a natural process than a formal one. I might get down on the floor and crawl with them, peeking around the table and calling them to come get me. Or hiding at the end of the couch where they were cruising and calling them to find me. Anytime I had time and wanted to pick them up, I would take the opportunity to call them and praise them for coming. By practicing these things each day, my children were learning early to come to the call of their name.
• Don’t Practice it Wrong - My crawlers and toddlers were never very far away from me. I never left them unattended when they were not confined by a crib or playpen. This was for both safety and training. Their time was directed by me and even in free play on the floor, there were boundaries. When I would call them to come, I never let them practice it “wrong.” If they didn’t come, I would go get them and then we would try again. If they persisted in not coming then I would again go and get them. I would say, “You must come to Mommy when she calls!” They would then be moved to play in a confined space, for instance in the highchair with a toy when I was in the kitchen. Limiting their freedom in this way was a gentle form of discipline. They quickly learned if they wanted to stay out, they needed to come immediately when Mommy called.
By the time little Timothy was 20 months old, he responded quickly to my husband’s call because he had been coming to the call of his name for almost a year. It was a habit that was ingrained in him from the earliest days of mobility. By the time he began to exert his will more forcefully and we started FTO training more formally, I was assured that he understood what was expected and I could be confident to hold him accountable. As an added benefit, starting early kept the necessity of negative consequences to a minimum. I was able to move on to teaching other things because through FTO I had my son’s full attention.
Even if you are just starting FTO training and your child is over 2, these principles will still work for you. Make first-time obedience your priority, giving it your full attention, keep it positive as much as possible, practice frequently and correctly, and be consistent in correction. You will quickly see the fruit of your labor.
For more review on the steps of FTO see:
Growing Kids God’s Way, Chapter 9 Principles of Obedience
https://christianfamilyheritage.org/first-time-obedience/
https://christianfamilyheritage.org/first-time-obedience-is-key/
Beth Ann Plumberg is married 39 years to Chuck. They have taught parenting since 1993. They have 4 wonderful sons, 4 lovely daughters-in-love and 6 delightful and adorable grandchildren.