Finding Forgiveness (Part 2)

Forgiveness 

Part 2

            In a previous blog about forgiveness, I shared that forgiveness is commanded.  It is challenging work but it keeps the roots of bitterness from growing in our hearts.   

            I once heard someone say, “Sometimes parenting feels a lot like being chewed on by ducks.” Ducks have flat beaks and no teeth; it is their pesky persistence that allows them to consume their food. When I experience the figurative duck beaks nipping around my soul, I know I have unresolved issues requiring forgiveness. My unsettled spirit goes before the Lord and I lay my heart bare. Once I have heard from Him about my part in the offense and have confessed and restored, all is well with my soul and I can move on. Often, the “other” never needs to hear about any of the darkness toward her that was lingering in my heart. The fruit of forgiveness is my ability to love her and this ability sprouts from Him. I can once again see the “other” as an image-bearer of God.  

            Forgiveness is mentioned over 100 times in the Bible. If it is that important to God, we can rest assured Satan wants to discourage it from happening. Those little weeds of bitterness springing up in our hearts need immediate tending. When I have gone to one of my kids and discussed his need to forgive, I often get the reply, “I’m trying.”  I then ask, “Are you trying to generate forgiveness on your own strength or is it the Great Forgiver who is doing the work?”  If we are relying on our own resources instead of God’s, then all attempts will fall flat. The results of my effort are impatience for the process, frustration at the outcome, and a belief that forgiveness doesn’t work. Only God’s work in our hearts brings full forgiveness.  

            It can be frustrating to do all the hard work of forgiveness, come to a place of resolve and peace only to have those ducks come biting again. But as I have sought the Lord for understanding, I realized that forgiveness is a process. When we spy an undesirable behavior in our kids and begin the work of correction, it is a process. Seldom do we point out an attitude in need of change and see it disappear immediately. The same is true with forgiveness. The first layer comes off and we think we’re done. Then something happens causing us to revisit all those unpleasant thoughts and emotions again.  In my frustration, I may listen to the lies telling me, “See, forgiveness doesn’t work.”  I have a choice at this point - to give up on the work of forgiveness or change who I am listening to. Matthew 6:14-15 states, “For if you forgive others their sins, your heavenly Father also will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins.” Satan would rather us stew in our frustration; Jesus wants to set us free (John 8:32). Following God, and not our emotions, is the better path.  

            The process is forgiveness removes the layers one at a time like the skin of an onion. I encourage my children to keep at the process. We were camping with our adult children and a couple of friends. Two of my kids said something very unkind to one of our guests as we were breaking camp. This person eventually became a fiancée’ and then an in-law…. oops wrong person to offend!  To undo a few words spoken in frustration has taken years of slowly rebuilding trust and peeling off the layers of hurt. Both of these things have been accomplished through forgiveness. When the offended brings up the hurt, whether 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 months, or 5 years the response should be, “I am sorry will you please forgive me” and not “sheesh haven’t you gotten over it yet?” As we are working through an offense, it is important to stay at the task until it is complete. And if those ducks come biting again, repeat the process of forgiveness: forgiving the offender and working through all the emotions it stirred up within our hearts. The frequency of having to do this process will diminish over time.  

            Will the memory of the offense go away completely? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. We have been given the gift of forgiveness, only God has the ability to remember no more. He promises “I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins (Is 43:25), “…I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more (Heb 10:17).” These promises are as real and relevant to us today as they were several hundred years ago. Forgetting must never be a condition of forgiving. As often as the offensive memory comes up, we are responsible to work through the process again. 

         What is gained from all this work? Love - my ability to love the one who has offended me and the opportunity to model for my kids God’s redeeming work. When Corrie Ten Boom was face-to-face with one of the Nazis responsible for her sister’s death, he extended his hand toward her to thank her for a “most remarkable testimony.” She struggled with the Lord, telling Him she was not able to forgive in her flesh. But as she allowed God’s love to flow through her and extended her hand to the Nazi, God did His part and allowed her to forgive. Whether we are faced with needing to forgive a neighbor, a spouse, or a sibling, He wants to show us the unbelievable power of His redemptive love.  He can accomplish the impossible in our hearts and give us the courage to move on. 

         I am so grateful for those garden stones reminding me of those parenting days so long ago and what my kids remember. I am delighted that forgiveness made the grade and is stamped in cement, and Lord-willing, stamped onto their hearts. 

Patricia Lentz has been married to Tim for 39 years. They have 5 children and 6 grandchildren. Patricia and her husband have been using and teaching GFI material for over 25 years. She spends her days counseling young moms, writing, and traveling to spend time with her grandchildren.