Baring My Mother’s Heart
A mother’s heart has the amazing ability to feel so many emotions: exploding love for her child the day she gives birth or joy when her child achieves a goal he has been working towards. But there are other emotions as well. A subject that is rarely talked about is the pain a mother’s heart feels when her child is struggling academically, physically, or mentally - or even all of them together.
Matthew came into this world weighing a small 3lbs 8oz. At 4 weeks early, he had to be in the NICU until he strengthened his suck/swallow muscles. At 3 months old, he was hospitalized again, this time for RSV (an upper respiratory virus). After much prayer and wisdom from the doctors, he healed and was able to come home again. At 3 years old we noticed he would always stand very, very close to the TV. We took him to the eye doctor and the doctor said, “His vision is so bad, I am surprised he can see what is on his plate when he eats.” We were told he was born with a short eye. His optical nerve never grew to full length so although he could see, everything looked shrunk, sort of like looking at a miniature model. My mother’s heart broke and I cried as I thought about how long he had gone not being able to see life the way we were seeing it. We thought it would be difficult to make a 3 year old wear glasses but once he received them, he never took them off. His visual deficit was quite severe but the fact that he wore his glasses faithfully and we never had to struggle to make him do so, made this mother’s heart so glad that he could finally see.
When Matthew was about 7 years old, we were at our annual appointment with the pediatrician. The pediatrician said he had overlooked some of Matthew’s vaccines so Matthew received 9 vaccines at one time. Over the next several years we began seeing a decline in his ability to communicate well. His comprehension ability and his ability to tune in to what was happening around him deteriorated. I am by no means an “antivaxxer”, but we have pinpointed this point in his life when all his learning disabilities showed up. He was diagnosed with a very severe math learning disability along with ADHD. We had him tested for Asperger’s and autism but he was not on the spectrum. My mother’s heart was broken to see my sweet baby boy struggling in so many areas. This is where my mother’s heart had to come to a sober realization. Often when we experience difficulties like these with our children, we feel like it is somehow our fault for not protecting them or we feel like we did something wrong. This is where I was coming from. I knew that Matthew would have struggles but I eventually recognized the struggles were an opportunity for him to learn to navigate well in the world. I also had to reckon with feeling sorry for him or feeling sorry for myself. Neither were acceptable! I realized that if I felt sorry for him or myself, I would likely then make excuses for his behavior. Disabilities and behavior are two separate issues. I understood that to help Matthew be the best Matthew he could be, I would have to turn the love on in my mother’s heart. Love meant helping him with the disabilities and disciplining the poor behavior.
Our mother’s heart has such a capacity to feel that we can make excuses for poor behavior by citing their disability as a reason for that poor behavior. Most children with severe learning disabilities do best with a very structured routine and clear behavioral expectations. Neither our children’s struggles nor our hurting hearts are an excuse for poor behavior. Here are some basic character training we started with Matthew:
1. First time obedience: coming when called the first time immediately, completely, and without challenge or complaint.
2. Demonstrating courtesy through the interrupt rule: putting his hand on my arm or shoulder if I was talking to someone and waiting quietly until I could ask what he needed.
3. Showing self-control by using patient hands: folding his hands to keep him from grabbing or picking up things he shouldn’t be touching, especially in a store.
4. Showing respect through eye contact: looking someone in the eye when he was talking to them. (This one took longer because of his visual deficit but his visual deficit was never an excuse not to require it; it just took longer for him to exercise this discipline.)
The best part about this story is that it isn’t over. Today Matthew is a healthy and happy young adult. He was able to get a driver’s license, not at 16 but at 18, because passing the written test was a struggle. He went to college for one semester but it was just too much work for him so he took a year off and went to work instead. He has a great job at a fast food restaurant where they treat him very well. He has learned how to communicate clearly and is a diligent worker. He recognizes other people’s needs and serves them willingly. This is a skill most kids learn in high school. It took Matthew until early adulthood but he got there. He is part of a young adult group that he goes to weekly. He also attended technical school for a certification that is heavily math-based. He has another part time job in that field.
From one mother’s heart to another, if you are in the middle of this struggle, don’t think you have to make excuses for your child. He is who he is. Ask God to give you wisdom to help him become the best person he can be. And then love him by bringing structure and discipline into his life. You will see your child soar to heights that you never knew possible.
Cynthia Schrock was born in Ohio but grew up on the mission field with her parents in Quito, Ecuador. She married her wonderful husband Eric in 1990. They have two adult children: Ashley and Matthew. In 2016 Cynthia completed a 13 year long journey of homeschooling. Eric and Cynthia have been involved in marriage and parenting ministry over 20 years. Cynthia is a Contact Mom, helping moms with solutions in their daily parenting struggles. She has also authored a book on celebrating others called The Ultimate Gift of a Birthday.